Frustrated... but working through it

So for the tenth million time I am in the process of really deciding what it is that I want to accomplish in this whole homeschooling journey that I have decided to take on. This stuff sure is a heck of a lot tougher than I ever thought it would be.

Okay, that's it -- she's just going to school!! It would solve everything. NOT!!! LOL
If only it were that easy. *sigh* Do I want to take on this challenge? More than ever!

I am in need of some major re-evaluation though and I am as confused as ever. I guess that's what I get for reading so many books and researching so many different things when it comes to methods of homeschooling. I have so many options and I have a very individual child on my hands. :) And only one to deal with, for that matter, instead of a whole classroom full. I guess that is what is so stressful about it. I can actually cater to one learning style instead of many different ones and I want to do it right. I only have one chance.

Okay, so my whole dilemma.... I soooo want to be a completely relaxed homeschooler (no curriculum at all - just child-led learning). I want to so bad that I feel it in my heart and really think that is what I should be doing. I can really see how my child benefits from that and how much she learns doing that. I mean, she learned how to read, for crying out loud, taking that approach ! I never used curriculum of any kind when it came to teaching phonics and reading. I read to her since she was 6 months old - she picked it up - period. Now she reads at a 3rd grade level. I have learned that she is a sight reader and not a phonics reader. She just knows what the word is - it is actually pretty unbelievable. It has been just amazing seeing her progression. She reads words now that I just could not even fathom having my six year old read. I started out by pushing it when she was about five and she shut down, hated reading and did not want anything to do with it. I stopped being so pushy and within six months she wanted to read and craved it. Now I find her sitting on the couch, at any given day, reading for pleasure. Would she have been doing that right now if I would have continued forcing her? I can't say for sure but if I would have to take an educated guess, I would say no.
So now I wonder if that is the case for math and spelling as well? If I keep making her do our math and spelling curriculum that I bought will she end up hating it? If I just stop forcing her in spelling, for example, will she just all of a sudden get it in a year from now and love it and crave it like she did reading and pick it up very quickly? It is quite a struggle for her right now.
Why is it so important that my six year old knows how to spell anyway? Who am I out to impress? What difference does it make if she learns when she's six or when she's eight? She's still going to learn, right? And if it's easier to do when she's seven or eight then why not wait? She's still going to learn either way.
As for math, she learned by the time she was five to count by fives and tens to 100. She knows addition and subtraction and even some fractions, all without the help of a structured curriculum. We do math every single day just from playing and her asking questions. Is it stopping at all? No way! Math is part of everyday life.

Brenna absolutely craves knowledge. She is so curious and asks so many questions and learns so much each and every day. One reason why I do not send her to school is so that craving doesn't get crushed by curriculum and by the reasoning that "we're not on that subject yet so I'm not going to teach you" (even though you want to know all about it!).

Today I had someone call me regarding my last post. Okay, so I will just say that it was my all-time best mentor and one of my best friends, who happens to be my sister-in-law, Lisa. Thank you Lisa! She is homescholing her daughter, Kastine, and one of the people that made me realize that homeschooling was right for our family. She never pressured me (never even brought it up for that matter or made me feel that is what I should be doing) but because of what she was doing, she really got me interested in it. Anyways, she called me today and gave me the best advise that I have have gotten in a long time. "Do what is in your heart Brandi. You are the only one who knows your child and how she learns best." Very simple but yet very powerful for me and I think that is what I really needed to hear. She told me not to worry about what other people think. But, yes, I do worry about what other people think when it comes to us homeschooling and she's probably right and I probably shouldn't. But this is what I hear ---- "What did you learn today Brenna?" "How is your spelling curriculum going?" "What did you do in math today?" The questions come from everyone. I feel that because I am homeschooling, I am being judged and that my daughter is being quizzed by so many people. Is it in my imagination? Probably. Do I feel inadequate when Brenna answers, "I don't know"? Yes. But she doesn't know that difference between scholastic learning and just living life and learning through that. She learns so much everyday but to her that is such a natural thing that she can't answer the question, "What did you learn today?". That is just way to broad for her. You ask her specific questions and she can answer those much better. I guess my point is that learning is such an everyday thing and she doesn't even think twice about it. Learning is living. That is what the entire 'unschooling' method is about that I love so much.

Then there is the other (small) part of me that feels I should be doing a more "school at home" type thing. We should be sitting at the table everyday and doing math and spelling and science and grammar. She should have something to show for her learning, like workbook pages and math problems on paper. Isn't that what school is all about? Tests and worksheets?

Or is it?

I'm sure that there are things that Brenna is not learning this year that she would be taught in school but on the other hand, I know there are things that she is learning that are well beyond her grade level. Who's to say what kids should learn and at what age?

Is that what we are just used to and what we feel that school should consist of? Shouldn't learning be more of a natural thing and something we crave? I don't know about a lot of you but a lot of what I have learned, and what matters to me in my everyday life, is what I have learned as an adult (after I got out of school) because I actually cared and was interested in.

I'm not looking for answers or for someone to tell me exactly what I should be doing. I'm just trying to figure things out.
Am I open to suggestions? Absolutely!! (I appreciate everything that everyone has helped me with!)
Am I scared to death about homeschooling my daughter? Maybe, but not really.

I think what scares me is all of the expectations and all of the "this is what kids should learn at this age" kind of things.
Who actually made that timeline? Schools? Teachers? Superintendents? Government?

I'm not convinced.

I'm not convinced because I see my daughter excelling just fine without all of the timelines and expectations.

Maybe I am starting to figure out what it is that I need and should be doing. This blog is a wonderful thing to help me get my thoughts out. :)