Parenting

I have been reading a lot (no surprise there!) on what is called peaceful parenting. It makes a lot of sence to me and I love the whole concept of it. I found something that someone wrote and thought it was worth posting on my blog. Those of you who don't have small children will probably find no interest at all in this, but even if just one person reads this and gets something from it it will make it worth posting....


Stop thinking about changing "for good" and not just for days or moments. That is just another thing to overwhelm you and you don't need that!
Just change the next interaction you have with the kids.

Stop reading email right now and do something "preventative"— something that helps build your relationship with them. Fix them a little tray of cheese and crackers and take it to them, wherever they are, unasked. Sit down on the floor and play with them. If nothing else, just go and give each of them a little hug and a kiss and say, "I was just thinking about how much I love you."

Okay—so that is one good, positive interaction.

Again—just change the next interaction you have with the kids.
Focus on making the next interaction another one that builds up your relationship. If the next one is because the kids are fighting, STILL keep in mind that you want this interaction to do something positive for your relationship with the kids and stretch your thinking as to how you can make that happen.
In other words, you kind of think from their point of view about yourself. Consider what thoughts you want going through their head. Do you want them thinking: "She never takes time to even find out what the problem is?" Or "She always blames me?" Or "She's such a hypocrite, doesn't want to hear us yelling, but then she yells at us." "She hates me." And so on. What do you want them to be thinking—what words (articulated or not) do want tumbling around inside their head?
Maybe "She understands how I feel." Or "She really cares about helping us solve our problems." Or "She is trying hard to be fair." Or "She's calm even when I'm not." Or "Mom is the best listener in the world." "Mom loves me even when I'm causing problems."

And, eventually, you want them to think like this:
"Mom will help us find a solution."
"I can stay calm like mommy does even when I'm mad."
"I can listen carefully like mommy does when there is a conflict."
"I can recognize feelings, like mommy."
"I can come up with new ideas, like mommy does when we have trouble."

There is no substitute for being authentically "there" for them—for genuinely trying to help them resolve problems. For putting your relationship with them at the forefront of every interaction, whether it is playing together or working together.
None of us are perfect; we'll all have some regrets. But with my kids 19, 16, and 13, I can now say that I will never say anything like, "I wish I'd let them fight it out more," or "I wish I'd punished them more," or "I wish I'd yelled at them more." I will only ever say that I wish I'd been more patient, more attentive, more calm and accepting of the normal stresses of having young children.
One interaction at a time. Just make the next interaction a relationship-building one. Don't worry about the one AFTER that, until IT becomes "the next one."